"Why Dogs Are Better Than Men"

So, I was cruising through Pinterest, letting the time burn away (which I shouldn't have been doing, but there you have it), and I came across this pin: http://pinterest.com/pin/283375001523510828/

As I read it, I sort of chuckled, but it was a sad chuckle, because what I felt was uncomfortable. I realized there was a huge problem here. Because the described differences between men & dogs revealed the hurt women (in general) feel about how they are treated by men (in general). I was also blessed as I realized, none of the men in my life treat me like that.

Humor is an awesome tool, it helps us cope with stress, laughter can bring physical healing, but when we laugh at things that are hurting us, instead of addressing them, that is when humor becomes inappropriate. Therefore, using that funny little post, I want to talk about why the men's described actions are wrong, the effect they have on women, and how Honorable Men truly act.

"1. Dogs do not have a problem expressing affection in public."
Coming from a family background that didn't HAVE a lot of "PDA" (public displays of affection), I didn't learn how to express my own affection for others until I was in my early twenties, thanks to a very dear friend who loves me, and is VERY affectionate. It was through her that I learned about expressing affection, and then,  as I continued my healing journey later in life, how very important PUBLIC displays of attention are.

I recently attended a dance class with my younger brother, Peter. (Who, although still younger, is no longer little! He is a handsome, intelligent, admirable man.) We stepped into the dance class a trifle late. As we stood there, watching the teacher, and trying to appear inconspicuous (a difficult task when you're both considerably taller than the rest of the class), he looked down at me, smiled, and took my hand, and held on.

That one moment touched my heart INCREDIBLY. I felt loved, cherished, important, respectful, and safe. Peter knows I have social anxiety, and new situations can make me very nervous. However, that little moment  meant so much to me, because he placed my needs, and his affection for me over how he appeared in public. His action of taking my hand made it very clear to me what and who was most important to him; I was more important than how the rest of the class perceived him and our relationship. I knew I was loved.

"2. Dogs miss you when you're gone."
I am a person who misses people ALL THE TIME. I miss my roommate when she's at work. I miss my family and sisters if I don't see them for three days. I can miss friends who are WITH me if they're leaving soon! Yep, I like my loved ones around me.

Part of how I, and I think people in general, understand they are loved, and needed and wanted, is IF they are missed. Take a moment to think about it, if your absence is not even noticed, do you feel that important in the first place?

Last June, our best friend left for about 4 days, and we didn't see him. We certainly texted, but he was at a wedding, and couldn't always be chatting away. When he arrived home (we had been house-sitting), he greeted Shannon and I with HUGE hugs, and spent the next several hours hanging around right by us, hugging us, smiling at us, and just being glad to be with us.

We laughed about how clingy we all were, but there was a very real sense of satisfaction in knowing we had all been missed, that we were an integral part of each others' lives - not in just providing physical comforts, but filling an emotional space, and having a relationship that was precious, and enjoying being in each other's company again.

I love it when Caleb misses us! He doesn't miss us immediately like I do, but he does miss us eventually. (I run on about a 30 - 40 hour missing schedule; he can take 5 - 7 days to start feeling like he misses us.) When he does, and finally comes over to see us, I love it, because I can see how important I am in his life - and I'm very important.

"3. Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong."
First, I must make the point that guilt is not a word I like to use, but I will use it with this context: responsibility, remorse and repentance. Sadly, ignoring responsibility is NOT a "man" thing, women do it too, although the things we ignore or dismiss are different (gossip, emotional manipulation, excusing our actions with "that time of month"), and I want to make that clear. So THIS section applies to both sexes!

One of the things I love about my father, my brothers and Caleb, is how they take responsibility for their actions. "I'm sorry." is a phrase I hear from them, and it is beautiful. I recently heard a story from one of my girl students, who has a friend-that-is-a-boy. She attempted to have a conversation with this boy, because she was having her feelings hurt by some of the things he said and did around her. It did not go well. The boy excused his actions with, "Well, you did this, and that's why I acted that way!"

SORROW! I felt so sad for my girl, because I KNOW the young man's response was wrong. Now, I am not at all denying that our actions impact others, but when we excuse what we say and do with "You did this first," or "You made me do that," it's wrong.

I am an exceedingly emotional person, and Caleb, bless him, came into my life during a very difficult time. I can honestly say I was not all there mentally or emotionally! I was very unstable. But Caleb never allowed his actions or words to be my fault. If he hurt my feelings - even if it was totally ridiculous on my part - he always took (and takes) responsibility, and would say, "I'm sorry." Caleb never allowed my actions to excuse his behavior or moods. Sometimes it would take awhile (none of us are perfect!), but he always admitted when his actions were wrong, never excusing them with how nutso his best friend was. This enabled to trust him, and that trust, in turn, allowed me to go through what has been a very healing journey, and THAT is partially his fault because he chose to be responsible for his actions.

"4. Dogs don't brag about who they've slept with."
I have been blessed with some amazing men in my life. One of the things that I have found most admirable about them, is how they strive to be in control their sexuality. They do not allow their sexuality to control or define how they look at women, see women, or how they behave, but they remain in control of their sexuality. It is part of them, but they are not defined by it. As such, they do not need to brag about who they slept with, or how awesome they are at sex - Who they are as a person, a soul, is separate from the appetites of their bodies - however enjoyable or hungry those appetites are.
Because of their attitudes toward themselves, and how they control their sexuality, instead of being controlled and defined by it, I can trust them fully with how they view me. I am not an object that needs conquered, I do not need to be afraid they are looking or touching my body to somehow fill their sexual appetites.

"5. Dogs don't criticise your friends."
Wow, I don't even know where to START with this one! The concept of a "man" being a non-friend is ... completely foreign to my experience, and I would say that THIS statement is more of women's and society's fault! I do not believe that "your man" or your boyfriend should be separate or somehow removed from your friend relationships. It will certainly be different (I also don't believe in "friends-with-benefits").

My best friend for over twenty years now (wow, it's been a long time!) got married around four or five years ago to an awesome man, Jeff. I did NOT have the privilege of meeting Jeff before it was time for the wedding (they were several states away), but over the years we have spent a lot of time together. I love Jeff. He is awesome. One of the best things about Jeff is how he fits with us, Kim's life-long friends. It is like we have known him forever. He has an awesome time with us, and vice versa, we laugh together and love being together! We are Jeff's friends, as well as Kim's! Because of their good example, I have learned that your boyfriend/significant other should not be someone who doesn't understand or fit with your friends and family. That's not to say there won't be differences, but your friends and family are part of who made you who you are, they are where you come from. I firmly believe that if you are with someone who totally rejects and criticizes where you've come from, who helped form you, who you are, girl, you are with the wrong guy!

"6. Dogs admit when they're jealous."
This, I must say is not completely "man's" fault. As a society, we have trained men to NOT be in touch with their emotions, to IGNORE what they're feeling, that THINKING about their emotions and motivations and TALKING about them is what women do. Which is ludicrous.
A) it's not healthy, B) women (as a group) don't think intelligently about their emotions EITHER. (I say that in love, because it wasn't until this past year that I learned to think about and analyze my emotions intelligently, and figure out where they were coming from, I just experienced them, and talked about them without addressing what was causing them. Ladies, we need to learn to do that, or talking about them is pointless chatter.)

My father, who is one of the best dads in the world, has just recently undergone a lot of healing, and learning about stuff in his past that has been effecting his emotions right up to today! It's been amazing for me to watch this process. My father has always been incredibly loving, kind, trustworthy and supportive to us kids, but I always knew he had a lot of hurts. He didn't talk about his past almost at all, ever, and visiting his family was always a little strange - their was a lot of laughter, but it covered a lot of hurt. That was something I sensed, but never understood as a child.

Now that my father has addressed these emotions, and their roots in his past, it's almost like he's a completely different person - a healthy person! I'm amazed at the transformation of joy in him - he's no longer walking around, experiencing the past feelings and hurts TODAY. It's incredible. We, as a society, need to teach boys that emotions are okay! You feel them, address them, and don't ignore them! Only be addressing THAT issue, will this "admitting when they're jealous" change.

And as a side note, girl, if you "need" HIM to feel jealous to validate YOUR self-worth in the relationship, you need to address YOUR emotions!!

"7. Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence."
Let's be frank, intelligence and beauty are highly valued in our society, to the point where they measure our self-worth. As women, we feel threatened by others who are prettier than us, and frantic to maintain our beauty - and at impossible standards! While men get a slight break n the beauty angle (although that's changing), their intelligence and "manliness" or part of the scale of their worth.

In my family, I recently discovered that each of us feel a little nervous about each other's intelligence - and we are all very intelligent. I was a little shocked to hear how each of us felt a little "dumb" compared to each other. I feel dumb because I can only talk about music (music major!), and only completed one term of my Master's degree. My married brother feels dumb because he isn't using his degree and hasn't done ANY Master's work. My other brother doesn't know what he's doing post-college, and feels a little frantic! My 15 year old sister feels dumb because she doesn't learn the way I do, and homework takes her a longer time than it did me. My 13 year old sister feels dumb because she's comparing herself to her older siblings, three of whom have been through college and are YEARS older than her!

But what I love is that we can talk about this together, without making fun of each other, without belittling each other. I can openly hear that my brothers feel dumb compared to me, and then I can build them up, and explain, "No, sillies! It's ME who's dumb!" (Look at that grammar, for instance!) And in that environment, we can confirm that our worth and love for each other is NOT based on society's standard of  an IQ score.

"8. Dogs understand what no means."
I have never in my life had my brothers or my father ignore my "no." As I see the effect on girls who never have their "no" respected by the men in their life, I am devastated for them. They no longer see themselves as persons of worth, whose needs and opinions matter, but as lower creatures who are overruled by the "men" in their lives.
Girls who are not allowed to say "no" to teasing, rough play, so frequently end up in abusive situations. Their "no" is worthless because they perceive themselves as worthless, thanks to the thoughtless treatment of the men in their life. Their desires and needs were not respected or protected.

I have always felt most safe in the presence of my father, my brothers and Caleb. I have confidence that they will protect me from anything, just as they protect my right to say "No. I don't want to play right now." "No, I don't want to do that." "No, stop."

One of my favorite memories of my brothers is after a late-night choir rehearsal. I was the last one at the church, and outside a group of homeless men had gathered. There were 7-8 men under the covered, enclosed area outside the church I would have to pass through, and it was dark. I was understandably very frightened. My two brothers came to pick me up, and I remember standing in the church, peering out through the window, a terrified knot in my stomach. Then they came striding through the gathered men. I immediately felt safe, protected and treasured. As I stepped out of the door, in between my two brothers, I was no longer afraid. I felt completely safe and at peace, walking between my two heroes who would protect me.

I have seen several girls who come from families where the men and boys would physically protect them, but leave their emotions ravaged with constant teasing, rough housing, belittling of their emotions, and their self-worth. Despite the fact that these men would protect their sisters with their lives, I never saw these girls feeling safe. Rather, they walked watching their steps, nervously feeling responsible for their own safety.

A girl's "no" is a real man's law, and he abides by it, protecting her desires and her self. Of this, I am convinced, thanks to my father and my brothers.
"9. You can house train a dog."
I'm a little alarmed at this one. Is it implying men pee on the furniture and carpet? That their hygiene is less than desirable? Or that they don't help out with house keeping? I'm going to assume the last one for the sake of my sanity!

First, I am deeply offended at the thought of training men as if they were animals. If we women demand to be treated as equals and not objectified by sex, neither can we treat men as if they are inferior animals who need to be trained.

Second, if two people live in a house, two people make the mess in the house, therefore, two people are responsible for the house. Q.E.D. One of the things that makes me a little embarrased about myself is that my younger brother (the unmarried one) is a better house keeper than me. He is neat, tidy, able to keep around a dozen house plants alive, thriving and growing, can make a pie crust that is to die for, (I can't even make something that resembles a pie crust), and crochets. (I feel threatened by his housey skills.)

One of the things that I love about him, is when he comes over, he sometimes spends time washing the dishes! (Dishes are the downfall of our house keeping - me and my roomie HATE them! They tend to build up despite our best efforts). I love that Peter deliberately takes responsibility for this act of kindness. While our dishes aren't HIS responsibility (obviously), his love for me (and knowledge that *I* hate dishes) makes him cheerfully step in and help out. That should be ALL of our attitudes! Dishes, oil changes, vacuuming, mowing lawns - these are all chances to express our love for one another, take advantage of every opportunity!

"10. Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner."
I want to touch on two words here: "middle-aged" and "abandon."
Middle-aged goes back to how society defines an individual's worth. Youth is highly prized. Maturity, or any age "post-youth" (which is getting younger and younger), detrimentally effects how our worth is perceived.

In a healthy relationship, individuals confirm each others' worth, build each other up, and create a supportive environment where fears, self-doubt and needs can be addressed. In this atmosphere, there will not be a need for a man to confirm his self-worth by capturing "youth" in the form of a younger partner, nor will there be need for the woman to fear abandonment.

Every person has the fear of abandonment. To be abandoned can confirm a belief that "you are worthless" - after all, you weren't worth keeping. All of us have experienced abandonment in varying degrees. Those of us who have been abandoned and have not dealt with those emotions will continue to live in constant fear of abandonment, and act accordingly; not allowing deep attachments, leaving others before they can abandon us,  never addressing the pit of gnawing fear  and doubt in our souls - I am not worth staying, therefore I will be left again. We are an abandoned people, death, divorce, abuse, separation, moving can all leave us abandoned, or experiencing those emotions. That hurt mus be addressed before actions from it can be changed.

"11. Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving."
I'll take a moment to point out, dogs don't drive, and then move on. This is an issue of control. It implies that whoever is driving is in control, and if the man is driving, the man is in control.

In a healthy relationship, one party is not in control. Both people work together for the mutual benefit of the relationship first, and each other.

Of the many marriages of my peers, Kim & Jeff have the marriage I most admire and want to emulate. Here's why: neither of them is in control. Rather, the best thing for the relationship is what controls their actions. Kim spent nine months on a different coast than Jeff, working toward a degree in nutrition. I was happy because it was MY coast she was on, and we got to see Jeff a lot. At the end of nine months, Kim and Jeff planned to move to Ohio where Kim could continue working on her degree, and Jeff would have a local job.

A couple weeks before the plan, Jeff was offered a "possible" promotion where he was. Kim came to me in tears, expressing her frustration and fears about plans that were falling through, and what would happen next. Jeff chose to continue with the move to Ohio, because "I already have plans with my wife, and I can't keep pulling her around like this."

Jeff's choice to put the relationship and Kim first made him jump around 10 million points in my respect. His actions made it plain what was most important to him: his relationship with Kim, rather than money, or a job. That is how real men act, not grasping for control over others, but putting other people and their needs first, and controlling themselves for the sake of others.

"12. Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake."
Okay, I have to admit, I DO THIS - not voluntarily. It can be difficult to let someone else drive, especially if you're uncomfortable with their - ahem - style of driving. I've had people step on the imaginary brake with me, not deliberately, but out of sheer panic (oops). In this case, unless the man is doing that to deliberately belittle or control the woman, ladies, you need to get over it (and maybe drive with a little more sleep and attention and a little less caffeine and multi-tasking!).

"13. Dogs admit when they're lost."
I am grateful for my father who I have never known to actually not know where he is going. That said, I live with a directionally-challenged roomie, and Caleb has the most intriguing way of finding his way around town. They also have a tendency to claim that being lost is really "an adventure," when I think it's STRESSFUL!

This touches on a few earlier comments: taking responsibility for your "stuff", being in control, and perceived self-worth. Men's worth can be defined by society as how "in control" they are of a situation, and being lost is definitely not being in control - so why admit it by asking for directions?

I love my father. He is incredibly capable - there's a running joke that he knows "everything"! That said, he is incredibly humble, and readily admits when he doesn't know something, or when others know more than he does. This, in my opinion, is one of the most admirable things about him. He doesn't need to "prove" his intelligence by pretending he's never wrong. His humility is one of the things that makes me respect him most, because it shows his confidence in who he is.

"14. Dogs can't feel threatened if you earn more than they do."
Please see comment for 7.

"15. Dogs mean it when they kiss you."
I assume this comment means, "Dogs mean [they love you] when they kiss you." I love being hugged, and good-bye hugs are one of my favorite rituals when Caleb comes over. He always hugs both of us, no matter how tired he is. More importantly - he wants to hug us. When I get a good-bye hug from Caleb, I have no fear that he "doesn't mean it," or that he doesn't love me. Not because of how he hugs me, but because of how he treats me the rest of the time.

I am important to him. He demonstrates this by putting my needs first in public situations (#1), saying he misses me when we haven't seen each other (#2), apologizing when he needs to (#3), being in control of himself, not being controlled by his sexuality - I don't have to worry that he's hugging me for a "quick fix" or something creepy like that (#4), being part of my life and accepting my family, friends and past (#5), being responsible for his emotions, and talking about his needs (#6 & 7, 10 &11, 14), respecting my words (#8), showing me he loves me be helping me (#9), being humble and admitting when he's wrong (13).

Because of his consistent actions in daily life, I don't need to fear that he doesn't "mean it" when he hugs me or says he loves me. He has proved over and over that he does.

A man who loves you will live that love daily in everything he does. I  have seen this proved over and over by my father, my brothers, and my friend. I am saddened that society expects men to live otherwise, and that some men, driven by the erroneous teachings of "what men are," fulfill them. It is only by the example of "true men," that these ideas will be supplanted.

On that note, go Dad! Go Bry! Go Peter! Go Caleb! Way to fight the man. :3 I love you guys. Thanks for being such amazing examples in my life, and treating me with love at all times.