Thanksgiving 2011

For this Thanksgiving we went to Medford. It was the first time in several years that my family made the trip down south. I drove my own car! "My," of course, meaning belonging to Shannon and I. :3 Peter rode with me. That was fun! It has been way to long since I got to hang out with my brother. We arrived mostly on time, which was unusual. However, dinner was delayed for a few hours, which was NOT unusual. It left me wishing for more than the bagel I had at 7am!

Still, I was glad to be with all my family, and the wait wasn't too bothersome. One of the things I love about my family is their musicality. We all sing - quite beautifully, and play instruments. We had a fun time making music post-dinner. Peter, Alainna, Carolyn and I also got to sing specifically TO Grandma, which I hope was a blessing for her. She's not doing very well.

It was difficult to see her like that ... But I was also glad that she's going HOME soon. Home to heaven, where all the burdens and chains of bitterness and hurt, and physical limitations won't bother her anymore.

I stayed with my cousin David. I wish I hadn't been so tired, but I did enjoy spending time with him. I was surprised about how little I had to spend on gas to get down and back. I also stopped and got fast food on the way back, something I always enjoy doing.  It makes the trip special. (Even though for most people that's normal. Heh.)

I was SO glad to get back home to my Shani. Thanksgiving was so full, we didn't text much, or get to talk, and I missed her. I helped her on her homework when I got home. She was pulling her hair out over it. Heh. BUT I FIXED IT! MWAHAHA! I AM HELPFUL!

Anyway. Thanksgiving was nice this year, although I always want more mashed potatoes.

Middle of the Night-ing

I have a terrible habit of waking up very early in the moning (around three or four) and being awake for a long time. It's always been frustrating, because I lie there thinking. "I SHOULD BE SLEEPING!!!! WHY AREN'T I SLEEPING?!"

The last several times, I have chosen to pray. For myself, for people I know, for the school, for the world. It doesn't get me to sleep any faster, but sometimes it helps with the frustration!

I have learned something about God's grace for our humanity in those prayer times. You see, I want to be praying, but it's the MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, and my focus isn't all that great. I'll pray for a sentence or two, and then my mind will be wandering off down a sleepy (but not sleep-inducing) hallway of imagination. After a few minutes, I will remember, "Oh! I'm supposed to be praying!" and start praying again.

He waits for me. Instead of getting aggravated at my constant rabbit trails - something that has been known to annoy people who have to listen to me. He doesn't view it as a lack of faith, or discipline, but waits patiently, and helps direct me back to Him with perfect patience. (Oh, how I love God's patience! If it weren't divine, I would have broken it by now!)

My mind is set on him, but my flesh is sleepy! And He understands.

This applies to other aspects of my spiritual walk as well. When I fail, when I hold bitterness against someone, when I refuse to forgive, when I speak in anger, when I make fun of somebody, when I hurt somebody, when I am faithless (the list goes on and on, folks!), He understands. As long as my mind is set on Him, and my walk is directed toward Him, He doesn't mind when I trip and fall on the way.

Now, this is not to say that when I sin (note: WHEN not IF), I should just ignore it and say, "Oh, God doesn't mind."

Sin is not an "oops."

It must be dealt with to the best of our ability. If it's forgiving someone you can't stand, and have every right to be bitter at ... It's praying "God, I can't STAND him/her! I hate them, and I never want to forgive them. So help me to even WANT too!" If it's speaking in words of anger, you don't make light of them. You ask God to forgive you when your temper has cooled, and then you get to go apologize to the person you spoke to. (A few times of THAT humbling experience will go a LONG way in controlling your tongue!) You don't excuse it with "I was angry." The Bible says, "In your anger, DO NOT SIN." (emphasis mine). You were angry, that's okay. You sinned, that's NOT okay.

I love that God is understanding for where we are. I also love that He is intent we don't STAY where we are. And I love that even though we can't move ahead on our own, He is right there with us, giving us a hand. Even in the middle of the night.

<3

Birthdays!

Today is my Aunt's birthday party at my parents' house. She is one of THE BEST aunts in the world. I'm so glad we get to have a party for her. ^_^

Also, house sitting for Sundholm's still. One of the dogs has decided his potty place is inside. He's staying out until he figures he's wrong! XD

I have a reese's blizzard. YAY! I realize it's silly to eat ice cream now when I'm going to a birthday party later, but hey. :3


Okay! Gonna log off and go do other stuff'ness. :3

Re-thinking Forgiveness

"Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times."
Matthew 18:20 - 22

"And forgive us our debts,
   as we also have forgiven our debtors."
Matthew 6:12

Forgiveness is a hard concept. It's something we all know we should do, something we talk about, something we "claim," but it's hard to actually DO. 

We have all kinds of excuses. "You don't know what he/she did to me!" "That's a heinous crime!" Or we call something forgiveness that really isn't. "Yeah, I've forgiven him/her, but ..." "I've forgiven them, but I never want to see them again!" 

 We harbor bitterness, or anger, or hurt, or fear, justifying it by repeating how much we were hurt, and how wrong it was. By focusing on the person who hurt us, or the incident, it is impossible to forgive as Jesus did. 

In order to forgive like Jesus, we have to look at Jesus. Jesus, hanging on the cross, is the example to us for forgiveness. 

When I look at my hurt, when I look at how deliberately someone hurt me, I can't forgive them. I want to protect myself, I want to hurt them back, I want to stay away from them. I can't love them when my eyes are on my hurt. 

When I look at Jesus, I see His forgiveness for me on the cross. I see His willingness to endure the pain for my wrongs done against Him. ("Against you, you only, have I sinned" Psalm 51:4) I see His continued love for me, in spite of my continued wrongs against Him. 

When I look at Jesus, I have no defense for keeping my hurt, or my  bitterness, my fear or my anger. When I look at Jesus, I must love others. His love over-fills my heart, wanting to be poured out on others. 

It can be easy to excuse ourselves by saying, "Well, that's Jesus! He was perfect! He doesn't understand what I'm going through!"  But the Bible says He DOES understand:
"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin."
Hebrews 4:15



There are Christians who are persecuted, martyred, beaten, killed. These Christians have forgiven their captors. More than "forgiveness," they love them. In the book "Jesus Freaks" by D.C. Talk and Voice of the Martyrs', there is a story of a Christian and his torturer. The torturer told the Christian to be afraid, because "I have all the power. I can kill you." The Christian replied, "No, I have all the power, because I can still love you."

That kind of forgiveness and love can only come from looking at the face of Jesus and His love for us. When I think of what Jesus has done for me, and what other Christians have forgiven, my hurts seem so small. 

I believe that the ability to forgive and love those who hurt us is directly related to our ability to focus on the face of Jesus.

When our hurts are easy to bear, sweet to cling to, and easy to recite, it is so difficult to look away from ourselves, into His face. When we cannot endure our pain, we can only look at Him. 

My life is too easy to force my eyes on Jesus moment by moment, and I am too weak to pray for more pain to focus my sight on Him. But I have every confidence in this: 
"that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. " Phillippians 1:6

With His help, I can look at Him, and let His forgiveness flow onto those who have hurt me. I can let His love not only flow out of, but fill my heart so that I love those who hurt me. Jesus is so good. His love is so great. He will never leave me or forsake me. And through Him, I can run on the mountains of life without slipping and without fear. 

"My God is great,
so strong and so mighty,
there's nothing my God cannot do."

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus. 
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace." 

Parents Who Enable

I have had the privilege (and burden) of watching parents raise their children for the past twenty five years. As a school teachers' child, I have watched as hundreds of students came to school, struggled, succeeded, failed, graduated, quit,  pushed through, fell down, and lived out their student lives. I have also watched the parents of said students, listened to their many "concerned phone calls" to the teachers, the conferences, heard my parents late night talks about their concerns, and experienced many other "behind the scenes" looks at multiple families.

Through these many hours of observations, I have come to understand that all parents enable their children, but not all parents enable them to succeed. I have been blessed with parents who have enabled me to succeed.  

The dictionary defines "enable" as ": to provide with the means or opportunity, b : to make possible, practical, or easy." (merriam-webster)
I particularly like the second definition, "to make possible, practical, or easy." 

My parents have consistently made the "impossible" POSSIBLE for me. With their close assistance, I have accomplished things that others have said were "impossible," and things I believed were impossible. 

My parents have not done this by removing me from hard or difficult situations. They have tended to thrust me IN to hard and difficult situations! But with their help, they guaranteed my success. 

When I was 12, the Logos PE class ran ten miles for the first time.  However, during the running time, I was on crutches with a pulled muscle. A day or two before the award ceremony, my dad took me out to run the ten miles. After school, the two of us alone ran and walked the ten mile course and made it back under two hours. I received a ribbon for the ten mile run on awards night. My dad enabled me to accomplish ten miles. 

My dad did not call the principal and request a "special award" since I had been disabled at the original running time. My dad did not stick me in a wheelchair and wheel me along the route. But by his presence beside me, every step of those ten miles, my dad enabled me to go the distance - and he didn't get an award for it!

Shortly before I turned sixteen, I heard about a piano accompanist opportunity. A small, community theater was putting on "Crazy For You." Their original pianist hired in March had quit. Learning the music was "too hard" for her. With less than four weeks to opening night, I accepted the job. 

There were over 100 pages of music to learn. The music was not written for piano, but was a reduced orchestral score. I was doing the job of an eighty piece orchestra with my ten fingers. 

I practised eight hours a day, ate a quick dinner, and went to rehearsal to practice more, and play what I could.  I did not do this by myself. My mother, who at forty-two had JUST had her fifth baby, made this impossible task, possible. She made me breakfast every morning, got me out of bed, and sat beside me at the piano - all day long. Every hour I was there, she was there. With a newborn in her arms, she pointed out notes I could leave out, encouraged me, brought me lunch, listened to my tears, wrapped my aching, sore wrists in ace bandages and told me, "Keep practising." She came to every rehearsal, and helped turn pages and cross out more notes. Every step of the journey, my mom was there, enabling me to accomplish what a task that was beyond me. 

But I did it. Opening night came, and I played piano for every single song. And I did it well.  

My mother sat through every hour of practice and rehearsal. She didn't get to take a bow at the end of the performances, but my victory was her victory. When I complained that this was too hard, she said, "Keep practising." When my wrists were swollen and aching from the unaccustomed hours at the piano, she checked with the doctor, got me ibuprofen, ice and bandages. Then she said, "Keep practising." She did not let me give up. The parts that were too hard for me, constant discipline, focus, the HOURS, she made possible. 

Through these experiences, and others, my parents taught me that what is hard, is not impossible, and what is impossible, is only hard. Because of this lessons, I have done amazing things. 


I have written a musical in under three weeks, complete with script, music, and lyrics. I have written a novel of over 50,000 words in thirty days - three times. I completed college debt free, with a near A average while taking 18 or more credits almost every term. I have lost thirty pounds in a year. I have gone to Taiwan on a mission trip, and taught English to more than a hundred children when I didn't speak their language. I have decided to follow Jesus, wherever His path takes me - hard or impossible. 


My parents enabled me to face difficult things by facing them with me, and helping to make them possible. I have never heard my parents say "give up." When I came to them and said, "This is too hard," they said, "You can." And then would help make that true.


My heart breaks when I see parents of teenagers, young children, my students say, "This is too hard." When a parent says that, what they are communicating to their child is "You can't." 


If something is too hard for your child, make it easy for them. Don't take the work away, help them complete it. Learning something new is HARD, but in order to succeed at life, you must be able to learn. Working hard is exhausting. It's difficult. But it is sometimes necessary, and if you have worked hard before, you know you can do it. It is not an impossible hurdle to over come, but a journey you take, step by step. 


Tell your children, "You can." And then enable them to DO it.

So This Thing Called Time

And "home Internet" ... Two things I don't have! And while there is lots of great (and non-great) stuff happening in my life, and while I want to share them (or at least type about them) I lack two necessary resources.

Time. And Internet.

So! While I chafe with new insights, ideas, struggles etc. that I sincerely desire to share and write about, you must ... um ... chafe or not chafe at having to wait.

(Patience ... it's this thing I also don't have, that apparently I'm being forced to learn ... Thanks, God. Love you too. ^_^)

Word Usage +1!

I used the word "cephalopod" in conversation today. WIN.

cephalopod

~Istra~

Bag of Holding

I could use one of those! Today is a day dedicated to cleaning, organizing, sorting and pre-packing in preparation for our move. (Where to? Don't know! When? Soon! ... ish.)

There are so many things! Of course, there's regular cleaning, which I haven't been doing that great at keeping up on, and then organizing STUFF. I myself have lots of STUFF to organize. Art STUFF. Boxes of old art, more boxes of art supplies ... what to keep, how to keep, WHERE to keep. Books. SO MANY BOOKS. Books from the past, books for the future, books I read ... Clothes. I don't have THAT many clothes to organize, although Shani does!

I went next door to the ice cream parlor for breakfast. (They sell food items too!) Karen had heard that we were moving. We talked a bit about it, and she offered to save us boxes from her supplies, and to loan us some of her better boxes for the moving day. So sweet! That is one of the reasons I'm going to hate leaving Creswell. There are so many friendly people here who really love us! I mean, THE ICE CREAM LADY FROM NEXT DOOR! How often do you run into that, really? And our landlords. They love us too. It's just gonna be really hard to leave all that. : /

I'm looking forward to heaven where nobody has to leave ever!

I did wake up this morning with another panic attack. I'm not sure what else to call them, because they aren't actual panic attacks as defined by lots of different symptoms, etc. Just an overwhelming sense of fear and anxiety, accelerated heart rate and trembling. It was harder to calm down this time.

I experience this a lot during the end of the school year when things are uber stressful. I'm a little confused as to why it's happening NOW. I'm chalking it up to the stress of moving and change.

Anyway! Shani has arisen from bed, which means I better get to work! Also, it's 10:45, which is ALSO a good sign I should get to work! There is work to be done! And I shall do it!

I'm off!

~Istra~

Geeky Movie Day

Despite waking up with a nervous feeling trembling in my belly, I had a very pleasant day. I purposefully made every effort to remain calm today, and it worked. I don't feel nervous or edgy. I also didn't accomplish anything, but who's counting?

I did watch a couple movies today, interspersed with WAY to much Ocarina of Time 3D. (Great game, btw!)

While home alone, I tried to (once again) watch the movie adaptation of Avatar: The Last Airbender.

Wow. Can I say, SO MUCH FAIL? Shannon and I started it last night, and made it through about 3 minutes before turning it off. I tried to muscle through some more today, only to fail miserably.

There are not words enough in the dictionary to describe the awfulness of this movie. Set aside the horrible, teeth-jarring hack job without anesthetic they did on the heart of the Avatar story, this is just a bad movie.

FOR EVIDENCE! I would like to submit THESE comics, made by an artist who worked on the actual animated series herself:
Comic 1
Comic 2
Comic 3
Comic 4
Comic 5
Comic 6

Don't be dismayed by their many-ness! They are fun to read AND educational! I honestly could not believe the ... inadequacy of this movie. It starts with a black screen ... quickly filled by tiny, tiny scrolling words. Think "Star Wars," but too small to read, to many to read, and voiced over by someone who has the emotional range of my pet rock - and I don't even OWN a pet rock!

Sadly, this was not an unusual occurrence for the film. While I only made it through the first 43 minutes, Katara had TWO more looooong voice-over, explain-ey dialouges. Voice overs and dialogues are not film, people. That is story-reading, an art form with it's own very special place, but NOT on film.

Many other decisions for the movie seemed to weaken it as well. Fire benders could not make their own fire. SERIOUSLY, what is the point? Just douse the surrounding fires. If that were true, water benders would have NO trouble with fire benders at all, ever. Also, the continuous dance moves in the film to get even a small "bending" to happen were ridiculous! Not only did they look STUPID (in the animation, the bending is beautiful to watch), but it made bending into a non-powerful, non-threatening martial art. It would be quicker and stronger to attack with weapons or other traditional martial arts.

Their explanations of many important elements of the series, why Aang ran away, why Zuko searches for him, what the Fire Nation's goals are ... were confusing, and weakening to the characters.

In the series, Aang ran away from home temporarily after the pressure of being the Avatar NOW was too much for him. He was only 12, and was SUPPOSED to be told when he was 16. In the movie, it's explained that "I could never have a family. It's a sacrifice every Avatar must make." I'm sure that will be a surprise to Avatar Roku, Aang's predecesor, who had a wife, and told Aang, "Being Avatar helps with the ladies!"

It may be interesting to note that the sequel to the animated series has the new Avatar, Korra, learning air bending from Aang's, son. Hmm.

The Fire Nation's goals are to crush all other forms of bending. I thought it was to DOMINATE THE EARTH. (Much scarier, ne?)

In any case, enough ranting about that movie. I may try to finish it sometime, but for now, I've thought enough about it! I do HIGHLY recommend the original series. If you've seen the movie without the series ... well, there aren't words for what you're missing! Watch it. You'll love it. <3

The other movie I saw today was Deathly Hallows Part 2. I was very impressed with the choice to split the last book into two movies. It really was FAAAR too much information to stuff into a mere three hours. (Something the producers of Avatar could learn from - oh forget it.)

I went with my best friend Caleb, and his two siblings who are ALSO my dear friends, Micah and Jordan. We had a good time. It was a very INTENSE movie! I held Caleb's hand from TERROR almost the entire time, and about half way through, I leaned over to Jo and said "I could use an intermission!!!" But it was amazing.

I cried several times. Even though I knew what would "happen," I still cried. I also didn't look a few times because it was too scary for me. Voldemort walking through the pools of blood at the bank, for example ... No thank you! (Although I understand that was necessary for story telling. BUT ARRRRGH!)

This culmination of the loooong story was ... everything it should be. It was EXHAUSTING to watch because of the emotional tension through the film, but worth it. The acting was impeccable. (Yay, British actors!) The emotions on screen were truly believable, and were so powerful and personal, they just drew me in.

My favorite part was Neville's speech to Voldemort near the end. What a perfect summation of his growth as a character from his first appearance as a picked on, bullied class fool. It was so well done. Rallying speeches like that can go so wrong, and sound so cheesy and false, but this was beautiful. I cried. (I also really like Neville ANYWAY.)

Seeing the characters "19 years later" was AMAZING. They did such an incredible job with the makeup. I was shocked. I was wondering how they were going to manage that without making it seem "make-up" like, but the actors looked totally normal and ... well ... OLD!

Snape's ending in the movie was just, and beautiful and just right. As Micah said, it was "really cool" to see the actor show more of his emotional repertoire than just "I AM SNAPE. SNAPE. SEVERUS SNAPE." I cried. (This seems to be happening a lot.)

I was really glad they included Mrs. Weasley's duel with Bellatrix. It was one of the few specific battle moments they chose to show, and it ... was so well done. I felt like cheering. (Just like I did in the book!)

It was an excellent culmination of an amazing book-to-movie series. I was thoroughly impressed, and thoroughly enjoyed myself. (Although I think the hand I was clutching enjoyed the movie being over.)

That said, I have now drunk some calming tea with creamer, and am now off to bed! I shall enjoy sleeping immensely.

Cheerio!

~Istra~